Hey everybody, David here. Its been a while since my last article on the fact-to-the-pile. In this article, I’m going to tell you of a few things that really grind my gears, starting with……
1. Swiss cheese.
Ok. This is one of the things that seems so stupid I can’t believe it. What’s so special about swiss cheese? Because it has holes in it. So like what, I could get a block of some nice edam cheese, get my Dad’s power drill, and drill some holes in it, take it to a party and everyone would be like,” Oh David, you must have spent a fortune on getting that swiss cheese. Oh your so good with food David, would you like to take me on a date David, etc, etc.
Now by using this logic, on my mates 17 birthday party, I gave him a pair of my old socks, ( clean by the way, I’m not that sick ) that had all these holes in them. And he said to me ” David, these socks are shit”. And I said “No they’re not, they’re swiss socks. Very high quality”.
2. Halo fan boys.
OMG liek he totally PWNED ALL US GUYZ !!1. WTF HE MUST BE A HAXOR. QICK LETS SPLAZHOR HEIM. LIEK, GOGOGOGO. OMFG HE KILLZ ME AGAIN<1.
omg i <3 hALO, iT R SOO KOOOL.
Right, I think I speak for everyone when I say, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU SAY??? Anybody who goes to such lengths to speak like this over X Box live is either plain retarded or is reeeeealy high.
Now I could expect five year olds to speak like that when they play a really fun game, we all did that when we were young ( Yes you too admin, I remember what games you played in those days wink wink, nudge nudge , say no more, say no more) and hey, five year olds are allowed to get excited over that stuff. Its called over-stimulation. Which leads me to my next question. Are the fan boys five year olds? The pitch of their voices makes me believe so. So high and squeaky. It hurts my ears.
3. Idiot group leaders
Ahhh this brings me to a time when I was in the scouts. We were all learning about cooking on gas cookers. Suddenly some idiot knock over a lit cooker, the plate comes off, and the whole thing is spurting flames everywhere. And get this, a leader tries to put it out WITH HIS FOOT!! Yes everybody, lets hear it for leader intelligence. So while the group leader is kicking this thing around, I had to rush into the closest building, nab off with some dudes fire extinguisher, run back, and blasted the fire with some weird white powder. I also got a heap on the leader as well for good measure. After the fire was out, and the leader had cleaned himself up he says to me ” Who told you to do that”? Now this is the guy who had been kicking the canister. Canisters explode when they are on fire. So I said to him ” Who taught you that kicking an alight gas cooker was a good idea”?
These people are sad about living. Are they though? Do they love life and all of its values? Or do they act like Emos as a cry for attention from the world. Do they conform? No. Do they love life? Hard to tell. Do they sparkle in the dark. Yes. Do they have big teeth and ” Vant to suck your blood”? Yes. Do they contribute to half the deaths of extreme goths and cute fluffy bunnies and the career of actors around the world? Yes. Oh wait that Edward Cullen. Which brings me to my next thing that grinds my gears..
ARRRRHGHHHH. Its a series about some normal chick who finds out that her boyfriend is a vampire and ” Vants to suck her bloooood”. But can’t because he loves her so much. We all know he thirsts for blood, so heres and idea. Instead of bitching all the time about wanting her blood, BITE SOMEONE ELSE. My god, I would never bite my girlfriend ( Well, maybe a little LOL ) but if I had to do it to live, I would simply alter my target. Bite someone else for godsake. And this Bella girl needs to make her damn mind up. Sleep with a vampire who wants to kill you or sleep with a werewolf who wants to…..I can’t remember, I just about shot myself after seeing the first movie with my mates in China. HAHA Pirated DVDS ( David would like to point out that he in no way condones piracy and is strongly against it. He did not buy a dvd off the street in China so that qualifies him for sainthood).
6. Swiss army knives.
What the hell? When have the Swiss been in any wars? When did the ever have an army? Oh look at me with my little swiss army with its homosexual nail filer and my tweezers. Yeah I’m a real man with a swiss army knife. THEY AREN’T EVEN THAT SHARP!! COME ON!!! I got one thrown at me. The blade hit me square on and it didn’t even cut the skin. Crap, full on crap.
7. Public transport
I really don’t get this. Everyone says that the public transport solves traffic problems. Bullshit. I’ll tell you what it does. It turns 3 lanes of smooth flowing traffic into 2 lanes of f**king crap. And driving behind them. Don’t even get me started.
Well that’s all I can rant about for the time being. Hope you got at least a grin outta this stuff.
Until my next rant, this is David, signing off.